Sunday

Day two in the park, Sunday.

Checkered green shorts, white singlet. The sun is incredibly warm - without the regular humidity of summer. So very pleasant. Though I do feel sorry for the other park goers having to shield their poor retinas from my neon white anglo-saxon skin. The sky is completely cloudless, the moon is still out at 11:30am. A percussion band begins it's beats in the rotunda and capoweira follows in front of me.

Earthy smells of grass whip around on the breeze; sneaky scents of BBQ rissoles making me hungry.

I lie with my jumper over my face, the sun soaking deep into my bones when I hear a "well hello!" the voice of the Knight. The funniest thing is that five minutes before he came over I knew he would. I'm not sure whether that was simply wishful thinking or whether I'm tuning in to his vibes. But it was nice, organic. We sat for another few hours, soaking up the warmth, marvelling at the 'winter' and talking universe.

Sunday in script

I was excited this morning; a true sense of anticipation. It was a beautiful blue sky outside and I played Feist tunes while I drank my green tea and painted my toenails in watermelon pink.

I met the Knight (the Sherpa's Brother) under a tree in New Farm park at 10:30am, as planned, he with his skateboard, me with my rad wheels. I unfurled my patchwork quilt and we sat and began what I hope will be the first of many sessions in awareness training.

The concepts are difficult, the practicing even harder. How do you describe the feeling of the expansion of your energy? How do you guide someone to feel or sense something that they've never been able to identify before? How do you explain colour to a blind person? How do you describe a sensation like hot or cold? This is what the Knight is attempting to show me. It is no small task.

Most importantly the Knight is explaining the importance of letting go of trying to control everything as it creates blockages. This more than anything is a big learning for me. Recently I've been receiving a lot of messages from the universe telling me to quit trying to control things. The very act of trying means that I am unsuccessful in that quest to begin with. And, to a large extent I believe that there is a grand plan for each of us and the universe will put us on our path when we relax and let the flow of life wash over us.

I know it sounds slightly mental but this is self actualisation in written form.

The Knight is an 80 year old in a 24 year old's body, and it's strange to see the two in action.

We spent the entire day together. Smelling roses, climbing trees (he did the climbing, those trees in New Farm are bloody huuuuge) eating fish and chips, chatting, laughing at crazy children, seeking shelter from the afternoon rain and smiling.

It was a sumptuous day with a stranger friend.

Sherpa

As mentioned I've been going to see a guy. Not just any old guy but a seriously gifted and amazing guy, about my new journey into myself. Actually, the journey really started with a visit to him who I call my Sherpa. He is a smaller guy, with almost elvish qualities; a lightness to his step, innate calmness and vivid, knowing, crystal blue eyes.

Initially I thought I was going for a run of the mill massage with a bit of a phsycology session of talking and analyzing and that was about it. But what I got was so much more; the word "Hope" springs to mind.

For my first session with the Sherpa we talked for over an hour yet it felt like such a brief moment. We touched on some fairly deep issues during that time but what was so poignant for me was that he picked up on precisely where my thought patterns were and conversed with me on that same level so that everything made sense. I was so moved and felt strangely at ease in his presence. Those who know me well understand that it takes a while for me to get to know someone new, to open up and truly be myself around them so this was a novel experience for me, on many levels.

The second session with the Sherpa was again an incredible awakening. We did "body work" and for those who have never heard that term before I completely sympathise (there is a whole world out there devoted to body work in all different forms of therapies that I have yet to discover). Essentially the Sherpa kneeded the blockages in my body that were holding tension and bad energy. Now I'm not going to go into the theory of this for this post but lets just say I'm only just beginning to realise how my body truly works and how destructive I've actually been to it over the years.

I left this session feeling tingly and teary. The massage had dredged up and released blocked energy that had been lying dormant, needing an escape for an incalculable time. And I felt releif. That I've found a way to understand myself that makes sense to me, that I believe in. That I've found someone who understands me too and could finally begin to guide me through myself, to myself (hense the name Sherpa).

For the last week suceeding my second session I feel a little lighter. I'm noticing subtle changes in my body, I no longer feel bloated and I think I've lost a kilo or two without even being aware of it. I'm not craving cigarettes and I don't get the urge to binge on chokkie cake very five minutes. There are subtle changes in the way I think and feel too. I am watching my thought patterns, keeping tabs on them and when I am dedicated I turn my thinking around to a positive affirmation.

Session three is happening tonight and I am so looking forward to some more cleansing.

Willingness to change

Most people have heard of a book called “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise L. Hay. If you haven’t, I suggest you get acquainted, if like me you are interested in why the things that happen to us happen.

I have been feeling recently as if the past has been repeating on me a little, having found myself in a situation that seems very similar to one I’ve already had. And let me tell you, this situation wasn’t the best. In fact, it was the single most disappointing experience of my life, and now to have it recurring on me raised a number of significant questions: what am I doing that is creating these situations? I am the common denominator in this so what is it in me that needs this situation? How is it that I can subconsciously create a situation my mind tells me I don’t want? How can I be so misaligned? And importantly, what can I do to fix this imbalance and harness this power for positive outcomes instead of negative ones?

A wise man once said that to expect a different outcome from doing the same thing is insanity. I know I had to change my life, my mind desperately wanted to change my circumstances so I knew I had to look inside and change my core values and the way that I treat myself and feel about myself.

In this vein then, reading Hay’s book was a watershed moment for me. Up to this point I had read a number of incredibly powerful books over the years; I carried Eckhart Toll’s “The Power of Now” in my bag to work everyday in London, my dad had given me “As a Woman Thinketh” by James Allen years ago. But I feel that “You Can Heal Your Life” provides something more for me right now. It explains the dynamics between our thoughts and feelings towards ourselves and then goes on to provide the next step of explaining how to go about creating the change you want through affirmations and other exercises.

Hay makes it real. And simple. She links physical disease with thought patterns to the extent that we are all accountable for our own state of health. This alone is an interesting concept to me and one that I’m excited to do more reading around.

The book holds so many valuable lessons but for now I am focusing on the willingness to change. The willingness to release any old patterns of thought. The willingness to change my way of speaking and the way I express myself, as only then will I be able to create the change in my outer physical circumstances.

These notions have been around for absolute centuries. Ghandi in his incredible wisdom said “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. But I feel like we get so caught up in “internet mode” (everything and anything and anyone available at any time = life overload) that we forget these basic truths.

In my own situation it is obvious that with the repetition of this particular situation I have not actually instilled any change, despite trying my best efforts. My aim has been all wrong – I need to change what is inside me and how I feel about myself to be able to attract a different, positive result. To work on this, it is as simple as affirmations. In particular the affirmation “I am willing to change”. I’ve been saying it over and over, first thing in the morning, in the mirror to myself, at any moment in the day. And I feel like I am willing to change. To take the next step.

Journey of a different kind

It seems that assimilating into Brisbane life has proven far more difficult than I originally anticipated. There have been many moments of personal crisis, crying, feelings of loneliness, confusion and outright despair. A lot of dwelling on the past and obsession with the future, not near enough living in the NOW.

Last Thursday was a watershed moment for me when my thoughts all started to pile on top of what is already a hectic white noise in my mind, to the point where I just could not focus on any one thought. It became distressing and eventually I had to let it out some how. As I was on the verge of tears, very bravely holding back as much as possible as I was at work, I had a thought. A friend of a friend had mentioned a few weeks ago that she had been to a wonderful masseuse and that I should go. For some reason in this moment of crisis this thought came to me and I fished out the number of a lady named “Barb”. After speaking with Barb for some time she had determined what treatment I needed and had arranged my appointment for 3pm that day.

At that moment I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew I just had to do something, anything, to rid myself of this turmoil. So in desperation I delved into the unknown.

The following entries will tell of the journey I am about to embark on. This is a different journey to the ones I have had previously on a physical level. It is a journey into myself, and yes, into the unknown. It is exciting and scary at the same time.

I feel as though I am standing at a point in a road where the dirt becomes paved.